I am a huge movie and television buff. There are a variety of films and television series to choose from. Thrillers, comedies, and romantic comedies, to mention a few. I particularly enjoy stories in which I can identify with the protagonist. Because of my “weirdness,” I’ve been likened to Himanshu from Khichdi and Bhavesh Bhai from Khichdi because, reportedly, I’d be the one in the group always eating (and would probably still be eating while in the middle of a terrorist attack, to be honest).
However, I have not spent the previous several years of my life in lockstep with the protagonists who are, for all intents and purposes, the “good guys.” I recently turned 25, and my mind has been consumed by largely self-introspection since then. And I’ve come to the terrible, sad, sad reality that I don’t believe I’m a particularly decent guy. In my personal tale, I’ve felt like the adversary for the past few years. I’ve harmed a lot of individuals I care about. When you discover you’re not one of the “good people” in your tale, what do you do?
I misplaced someone somewhere along the line. A long-term romance ended for me. The loss of that individual has left me feeling as if a piece of myself has vanished.
When I think back on our relationship, I believe she tried her hardest to make me happy. Looking back, I was quite self-centered. To be honest, the way I handled her was appalling. My friendships with folks I’d known for years grew strained somewhere along the route as well. I awoke at 4 a.m. one day and realised how alone I was. My ex-girlfriend and three of my closest pals were no longer with me. My ex and I had been together for years, so it was natural for me to turn to her in the midst of a crisis. And her words have stayed with me to this day.
“You don’t return affection to individuals who are prepared to go out of their way for you. That’s how you alienated me, and it’s probably why your friends have abandoned you. You should put in more effort for those who care about you.”
She still addressed me by my pet name, and told me she loved me at the end of our discussion. I could tell she was over me even if she still cared. This talk reminded me that I never want to have to weep to someone at four a.m., asking why I am alone. After our chat, I sobbed uncontrollably.
Since then, I’ve experienced many big bouts of despair and anxiety. But, on the other hand, this deep melancholy led me to examine myself and how I treated others. It encouraged me to think about others and think outside of myself, which was a notion I had never heard of before.
As a first step, I listened to my ex and made a conscious effort to care for the individuals who meant the most to me. I’m still deliberately working on becoming an all-around decent person two years after that talk.
Isn’t it normally towards the middle of the film that we become engaged in the flawed protagonist and cheer for them as they go through a lot of crap before finally finding their happy ending?
That appears to be my current situation. On the verge of something big. I’m on the verge of discovering my best self, the one I’ll enjoy. The person who will never again take people for granted. The individual who will stop asking himself if he is a horrible guy since he knows he isn’t.
I’ve learnt a couple things during this process. The first step is to forgive yourself. It’s difficult and agonising, but it’s also liberating – a gift you should give yourself. Second, never take for granted the individuals who important to you. Invest on those who care about you so that you may keep the people in your life that you actually desire. The third point to consider is independence. I’m so used to relying on others since there are so many people who genuinely care about me. However, during the last two years of my life’s journey, I’ve finally learnt to stand on my own two feet, both financially and emotionally. Fast forward two years, and I am more self-sufficient than I have ever been. That in and of itself is a source of pride I’ve never felt before. I used to believe that I wouldn’t be able to succeed in life without certain individuals in my life, but now I am certain that I can.
All of this is a terrific start on the route I want to go, but I can’t wait to start fully forgiving myself and finding out how I want my life to unfold. After all, I am my own life’s protagonist, and I must constantly encourage myself. You, too, reader, must take care of yourself.
“When you find your path, you must not be scared,” says Paolo Coehlo, one of my favourite authors. You must have enough bravery to make errors. The weapons employed to teach us the road are disappointment, failure, and despair.”
Next blog will be out soon.
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