Since the #MeToo movement gained traction in 2017, women and men have gradually been more comfortable coming up about the sexual abuse that 20 percent of women and 4% of men have endured in their lives—and those are just the ones we know about. I’ve always been outspoken about problems like this, but I was hesitant to talk about it until I realised that my silence was making it even more difficult for other survivors to step up and recover.
Consent has long been viewed as a complicated topic, but that is something only an abuser would say—it is actually rather straightforward.
It is not consent if you do not say yes.
That’s something I’ve been wrestling with in my head for years as I gradually recognised there were far too many times in my life when a man did something to me that I didn’t consent to. I recognised I had been a victim of sexual assault and that it was all too frequent in my life and among my peers.
And as I look back, I see a lot of things that other people saw as consent in my case.
Consent does not imply being in a relationship. Having a past sexual connection with someone does not give you the right to have sex with that person again, whether you’re dating, married, or just friends with benefits. Yes, in a committed relationship, most allosexuals will obtain all of their sexual activity from their spouse, but that does not mean that your partner is responsible for your sexual desires and wants. If your spouse isn’t responding to you, a simple question like “Do you want to have sex/make love/fuck?” can make all the difference.
Consent does not imply being inebriated. When individuals are inebriated, they do a lot of dumb things. I’m sure most of us prefer to believe we still have some control over our bodies and brains after a few beers. But we’ve all been there, when we can’t seem to see or think clearly, and we’re not sure why things are occurring. Someone who is too inebriated to stand or speak without slurring is too inebriated to consent to anything.
Silence isn’t the same as agreement. People sometimes shut down and shut up when they are in a frightening circumstance because they don’t know what to do. I’ve met a lot of folks who have been coerced into sexual relations because they were too afraid or didn’t know how to say no. Sex is supposed to be joyful and fun, therefore if the person you’re having sex with is dead silent and motionless, there’s an issue that has to be addressed.
Being flirted with isn’t the same as giving your consent. Folks enjoy flirting—I know a few people who can’t manage to piece a sentence together without including a flirtatious joke. Yes, we usually flirt with someone to show our interest in them, but it doesn’t indicate they want to go into bed with you. You do not have the right to dispute with someone who flirts with you all night but then retreats or just says no. You do not have the right to be furious. People’s decisions should be respected.
Being kind to someone isn’t the same as giving consent. “However, why have you been so good to me?” Because I’m a pleasant individual. I can be pleasant to others without expecting anything in return. “But I’ve been so polite to you!” says the narrator. That’s OK, kind person, but it’s still meaningless to me. You don’t get anything just by being the bare minimum of a nice human being. It does not make you unique.
Consent is not the same as liking someone. You have no right to someone’s body if you like them, whether they like you back or not. Just because you’re physically or romantically attracted to someone doesn’t mean you have to—or have the right to—act on it. “However, I adore you, and I can’t help myself around you.” That’s essentially admitting to the possibility of sexual assault. That is entirely your fault, not mine.
Clothing isn’t the same as consent. Some people are empowered by modesty, while others are empowered by nudity. The way a person dresses or dresses up their physique has no influence on their sexual availability or worth. These aren’t “fuck-me boots,” but they are boots nevertheless. It’s not for your advantage that they look beautiful on me. Because I appreciate my body—I feel powerful in my own skin—I prefer wearing really tight and exposing attire. If someone wants to take a peek, that’s OK, but it’s never an invitation to make a comment or touch me.
Sexual activity isn’t the same as consent. Sex is meant to be enjoyed, and it’s fine whether you choose to reserve it until marriage or enjoy casual sex. Your sexual identity is yours and yours alone. It doesn’t indicate they want to sleep with you if they’ve slept with a lot of others. It isn’t a formal invitation. I’m not ashamed of my sexuality or sex, and if I want to have sex with you, trust me, I’ll tell you right away. Also, you should keep in mind that some people have a significantly greater death toll as a result of problematic situations in which they didn’t feel secure refusing.
Working in the sex business isn’t the same as giving your consent. Strippers, models, actors, and phone operators are just a few of the many alternatives for working in the adult business, and they’re all viable options. Here’s something that a lot of folks don’t realise: Being a sex worker and being viewed as a sex object have a significant difference, and that distinction is permission. If you’re consuming something that that individual is comfortable with and satisfied with as a career, you should show some respect for the trade. So, no, you shouldn’t expect anything from a sex worker just because of their profession. You wouldn’t bother a regular actor and ask them to act in your amateur production, would you?
Consent isn’t given after being bribed or pressured. People say no from time to time. However, abusers will continue to attempt, blackmailing and bribing their partners until they are unable or afraid to say no. So, maybe they’ll say yes. However, it is still not consent. Whether they finally consent or not, sexual assault occurs when someone is in a vulnerable position and you compel them.
Consent isn’t being “almost legal.” I’m not sure how much clearer I can be: A youngster cannot agree to any sexual interaction with an adult. This is rape, whether this youngster agrees or not. There is never a good reason to put someone in that predicament. There are no such things as “underage ladies and men,” but there are children and abusers. There are no other words to describe it.
So, if you’re perplexed by all of this, I’m afraid you’re contributing to the problem.
“What?” I hear you exclaim now. “It’s as though you can’t even talk to someone these days without getting accused of rape! I’m not even going to try with people anymore!” “We would adore that,” I’m sure I can speak for all of the females when I say.
Next blog will be out soon.
Desai Thoughts MEdia.
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