If a woman doesn’t want you, you should never have to plead your case and convince her otherwise.
Storytime! Let me tell you about the time a girl dumped me after two dates and I spent almost a year trying to get her to love me.
We’ll call her Draupadi. She and I had a bunch of mutual friends and one of them set us up. After a string of painfully awkward and awful dates, I was so excited to go out with someone that actually got me a little fluttery.
The dates were great … at least in my mind! She was charming, charismatic, fun, and she was over 5 feet and really sexy to boot.
Just as I was getting swept away in the thoughts and fantasies of what could be and where this would go … she called me and said she didn’t think it would work out between us but let’s stay friends.
My jaw hit the floor. What?! How could this be? This can’t be right. There’s been a mistake, there’s a glitch in the system, I can fix this. This is fixable.
About two months later there was a party I knew she would be at so I obviously made sure to show up looking amazing. I went to the party with friends and was having a great time, doing my absolute best to pretend I didn’t even notice Draupadi was in the room. Her eyes found mine, we floated toward one another, lots of flirty banter… and the night ended with some passionate making out. Mission accomplished, I fixed it!
But no, no. I didn’t hear from her after that. Nothing. Silence. Not one word.
I didn’t understand, what went wrong?
This pattern would repeat itself many times. Weeks or months would go by, we would run into each other, something would happen, I would get my hopes up… and then nothing.
I knew she had some commitment issues, so I reasoned that maybe he just likes me too much! Yes! That must be it. She likes me so much and realizes we’re perfect for one another and it’s scaring her. I just need to help her feel less afraid.
She and I did share a deep connection. It wasn’t just a physical thing. But she just didn’t want to be with me. And I just couldn’t accept that.
I hit a breaking point around my birthday in January. After a night out with friends, a bunch of people came back to my apartment for leftover cake and vodka, and somehow she ended up there too. She stumbled through the doors drunk as a skunk. She tried to make a move, of course, but this time I didn’t give in. I have self-respect now, I’m not going to mess around with you!
And instead, I spent the rest of the night taking care of her, put that self-respect to work, chad!
I thought maybe this would get her to see … maybe now it would register… but no, I didn’t hear from her after that. Not even a thank you text for taking care of her.
I felt like a fool, but I just couldn’t let it go. And if I can’t let go, it must mean that there’s something there worth hanging onto… right?!
Time goes on, we have yet another run-in at a birthday party and another make-out session (hey, at least I didn’t invite her upstairs!), and another week of me feeling crushed that I wasn’t hearing from her.
More months roll by, now it’s summer. I’m in Delhi with some friends for the 15th of August weekend and so is she. I resolved not to do anything stupid, I resolve to move on, I’m better than this. Her eyes are always on me. Every time I talk to another girl, I feel her eyes burning through me, angry and indignant. But why? She could have me if she wanted! Doesn’t she know that?! And she did know that… but she still didn’t want to do anything about it.
We’re at a barbecue on the last day of the long weekend. I’m sad and staring, and she’s sad and staring. Her friend comes up to me to try and cheer me up. I ask her why she’s always staring. She answers, “Well Damodar, she really likes you. We all know that she does.”
And suddenly, I’m ecstatic! “She does? Really?? How do you know? Did she tell you??”
“I just know. We all know. But what’s the point? She’s not doing anything about it! She has commitment issues.”
And then it hit me. I had been chasing after her feelings. I had been trying so hard to get her to love me. But the truth was … I didn’t really love myself. I didn’t really have a sense of worth. I thought that if I could get this tall, charming, in-demand man to want me, then it would mean something. Then I would be OK.
But it doesn’t work like that. That is not where self-worth comes from. Even if she had wanted to give it a shot and be with me, I would have found something new to chase. A new title, a new milestone, a new compliment, new ways for him to validate me. It would be an endless hampster wheel. A road to nowhere.
I spent a long time thinking about Draupadi and her issues and reading about avoidant attachment styles and men who can’t commit… sure, maybe a lot of this was true of her… but I couldn’t fix her or heal her.
There was also the fact that she just didn’t want to date me.
At the time, this reality was too painful to bear, again, because I didn’t have healthy self-worth to fall back on.
I didn’t want to accept reality as it was, I created a new reality and told myself a new story. Was she kind of a selfish jerk? Yes. But was I also kind of a naive idiot who was the architect of my own misery for most of this “relationship”? Also yes.
The moral of the story is this: if she doesn’t want you, don’t try to talk her out of it.
Don’t try to seduce her out of it. Don’t try to have other people talking her out of it, and don’t try to win her over by showing her just how great you are. You think maybe if hse sees you one more time looking amazing in that second-skin dress… maybe if you have one more deep conversation about your hopes and fears… maybe if you could get her to see what a wonderful boyfriend you would be… maybe if you could help her heal from her parents painful divorce or help her get over the ex who broke her heart… then it would all work out.
But do you really want to have to work this hard? Do you really want to put in all this effort to get someone to see your worth?
The right girl for you will not need any convincing! In fact, if a woman really likes you, you’ll have an almost impossible time talking her out of it!
If she doesn’t want you, just let go.
Let go of the fact that you shared a connection … there are billions of people in this world, and I promise, you can connect deeply to many others.
Let go of how amazing the chemistry was … a lot of the time the flame that burns brightest dies fastest. Also, it’s usually her lack of feelings for you that make you feel so much more intensely for her!
Let go of what could have been… stop fantasizing about the potential of what could have been.
Don’t think about the past, and all those special moments you shared. Don’t think about the future, and how great it could all be if only. Look at the present. If she doesn’t want to be with you right now, accept that as your reality. And don’t just accept it, embrace it. Look at it as a good thing. Be grateful that she realized that you’re not right for each other early on because it spared you from wasting more time, from getting in even deeper, and it freed you to meet the woman who is actually right for you.
In truth, I am so grateful that Draupadi had so much resistance toward dating me (she never had a concrete reason, she said it was just a “feeling”). And I’m glad her gut (or maybe it was her attachment style, who knows!) put up that resistance because in looking back, she wasn’t the right girl for me at all. And that relationship would have been a disaster and would have ravaged whatever scraps of self-esteem I even possessed at that time.
Draupadi made me realize what I was lacking within. Once I saw the problem, I was able to correct it. As Dr. Pandu says, “You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.”
I worked hard, I dug deep, and I really got to the root of my issues and why I felt so unworthy of love. Soon enough, I felt better and more confident than I ever had in my life. I radiated a shine that was magnetic to all. At this point in my life, women were lining up to date me and men were lining up to be friends with me.
The only thing that changed was me. And not long after my metamorphoses was complete, I will start dating the woman who’d eventually become my wife.
Sometimes what feels like the worst thing to happen to us can pave the way for the best things. But you will never, ever get what you want by settling for what you don’t want.
So let her go, move on, be happy, and get excited for what’s ahead.
Next blog will be out soon.
Desai Thoughts MEdia.
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