Coming out!

Recently I heard this song from Ritviz named Raahi
Link here : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wMY3_Pq-WH0

Looking at this video, I got the idea to promote people who have had difficulty in coming out or problems faced with something that they didn’t choose!

1st story
I don’t think, that things changed
Look , I’m like connected to a very few people
Most of them reacted supportively
I know they be feeling weird but no one showed me
Like it was a time I actually said to some people like dude I like girls too, abhi to not likjng boys bilkul bhi
To people said yeah it’s okay
It’s normal
Someone people asked me if I’m sure or not
Some said I’m mad, there’s nothing like that(as if they’re inside me watching over my feelings)
Those were the people who were basically interested in dating me and they fuckin didn’t accept that I’m a bisexual
Toh I said MAT MAAN M** C****

Few tried to get my interest back in boys
But I am what I am
Like people who actually know me , never behaved strange because they know that I get interested in a very few people (special people actually)
Toh they accepted me

Like I don’t get crush on any girl from the crowd
Like if I recall how I was around people to I’ve like girls a lot since forever
But it was the best friend things
Maybe because I didn’t know that aisa kuch bhi hota hai
To I’ve like so many girls, did hangout with them but I was unaware of this fact.

Then I had a friend in FY Jc
I was in a school, basically a kind of military school
We met became bestfriend
And I was totally into her , like totally totally
Naming it a bestfriend relationship
I did all her work, picked her up for school, dropped her
Changed coaching classes for her
And whatever I needed to do to spend most of my time her
School coaching ke bad bhi we used to go on drives and all. I was very very jealous whenever she was talking to anyone else. All of these were happening

One day we were fighting masti me
I was slapping her
And in turn she was kissing my cheek
The moment we went into the washroom she kissed me like a proper kiss.

To I was not at all offended or anything
I liked it
I loved it actually
And I think that was the time I realised she wasn’t just a friend for me
And gradually I got confirmed
About that
But things turned out the same
She left me with no answers
Everyone does
And that part was the worse for me the whole one year thing. I totally suffered
Better mujhe kabhi realise hi nai hota
Kitna acha hota??
After I realised that how I am
It was not like it happened just once. It happened so many times
And someone who kisses you saamne se
And then always does
Spends time with you ,alot
Like a proper girlfriend
Obviously you expect

She was behaving like a girlfriend
But I still don’t know why she did that

She was having a boyf(accepted)
I became jealous (obvious)
Then she broke up with him saying that “Sonia ko tum nai pasand”

I was like on the seventh sky
That she broke up with him,for me,WTF??

I was soo damm happy
And then she started dating another guy??

It’s like
What did she do?
Why did she do?
Mai kya thi tere liye???
Just for making out , baatein, pick-up drop system
Usko maine pure SY pdhaya hai, the school rememberse just for helping her pass the boards because she was below average

But MAI THI KYA uske liye?
I had feelings, proper feeling
I told everything to her, crying on the phone that dude I seriously love you
But sab sunke, sab krne ke bad she still dated that guy

People have done things with me and then sab palat jaate hai , sab ke sab

She never gave an answer
Fuck pta ni maine kya kya bola

In short
She made out with me
Spent her time with me
Get rid of her old boyfriend in my name
And when she found a guy
She left
Never accepted she was interested in me that way
Even after doing all that
Like mere feelings ki koi ijjat hi nai thi
Us ladke ke 1 mhine ki feelings ki ijjat thi mere ek saal ki nai thi
I think Log serious ni lete humari feelings ko
Like its the same
I get the same rush in our heart when i see the person I love
In my case, I’m very selective and the numbers are low too

But once I found someone, I just wanna be with her, for ever
I wanna grow with her.
Have a home.
Whoever I’m with mera sab kuch is about her.
And I know I’m different
And I find someone like me who loves me back, then I can do anything for that
Because that is rare.
It’s all the same
Maybe there’s more in ours.
It’s just the gender Barrier that is making things harder than ever
Else the World will be Full of love
Ummm, no one called me by any names yet
Because not everyone knows
It’s still a secret just a few people know
Maybe if I come out then people would do it

Obviously people take our love for granted, very much.

If my family finds out, I’m doomed??
They are never gonna understand
Even the people with good class and mature sense, deny this thing
Meri family is still middle class with a very backward thinking in these matters

They will totally deny
Telling me that I’m mad or maybe possessed or something

I’m thinking that jitni jaldi ho sake I get a job , get on my own completely and then I’ll tell my family and everyone.
If I’m doing nothing they will never listen to me

The girls who left are basically afraid of accepting what they actually want
What they actually are
Even if it was a fling, a mistake, whatever just say it.

Geeta behaved normally, jitni hadd tak mujhe samjh aaya
She’s respects my feelings totally. She was the one who made me feel good about all this. She never questioned my feelings,just listened to them.

I decided to open up because it’s soo suffocating to suppress our feelings.
Feelings are feelings
We are not supposed to decide,who we’re attracted to???????
This is our normal right
You’re a boy, you like a girl
That’s your normal thing
You cannot like a boy , right
You will feel weird
So do I
I feel normal being with girls
That’s it

I’m very glad that I have such people in my life who listen to me without judging me and make me feel that I’m normal and tolerable
I really appreciate people who accept me the way I am.
Hmm if people come out na then they can give their best
And live freely actually

Until no one knew about me
It felt like its killing me inside
But now it’s like
Yet a very but people know about who I am and they accept then it feels like I am a normal person too.
So every one should come out once they feel comfortable
Obvious there are so many issue that they might have to face but it’s all worth for living your life being who you are, and what you want.
It’s not a shameful thing obviously, it’s natural, it’s beautiful. We should just do it , when it’s time. And feel proud of being that way.
Happy Pride.

2nd Story
I’ve lived my life in two parts: before I realized I was gay and after.

I have separated these parts of my life so harshly that I’ve become detached from my “former” self. One of the main things I struggled with when coming out (and living out) is coming to terms with my past. I get a pit in my stomach every time I think of a time when I was dating a guy or wishing I was getting a text back. It’s what I wanted then, but I didn’t realize how unhappy I actually was. I hate to talk about my past with guys so much that I avoid thinking or talking about my past altogether, even though my whole life wasn’t just about guys. I am so resentful of every second that I wasn’t living my best lesbian life. I wasn’t necessarily a closet case, but compulsory heterosexuality kept me in such a state of confusion that it took me much longer to have my sexual (re)awakening than it should have.

And it makes my skin crawl.

I’m a very decisive person in that once I decide something, I don’t like to change my mind or be challenged. I don’t want people to be uncertain of me and my sexuality when it took so long for me to become certain of myself. So, I created a clear division. After I came out, I felt reborn. I felt like I had shed myself of the confusion and conflict, and I wanted to keep it that way. I shot my high school friends dirty looks when they tried to talk about ex-boyfriends in front of my girlfriend. I told edited versions of college stories to new friends whose lesbian image of me I wanted to protect. Even though I view sexuality as fluid, I didn’t allow myself the luxury of exploration. I thought that if I admitted that I once identified as straight, then how I identify now would be invalid.

On top of that, I didn’t have the best relationships with men. They don’t deserve any more of my energy or time in therapy to discuss further, but I was in unsafe and unhealthy situations more times than I should have been. I was constantly going from guy to guy, trying to find the right one, but none of them felt right. Not only was I dating the wrong people, I was dating the wrong gender. A big part of me feels like this self-destructive behavior would have been eradicated had I known myself better. Had I just realized sooner, then I would have not spent so much of my dating life feeling miserable and hopeless.

I have to challenge this idea though. Let’s say I *did* realize I was gay earlier; would it *actually* be better? Wouldn’t I still have ups and downs in relationships? Wouldn’t I still have my incessant need for external validation? Wouldn’t literally everything in my life be different? So maybe it could have been better knowing I was gay earlier. Or maybe it could have been way, way worse. Burying myself in my head with all of this subconscious doubt and confusion is taking away from my conscious self that is happy, whole, and satisfied with how everything turned out in the end.

I have to join my two lives back together. My life did not start at 20, even though that’s how it feels. I’m pushing past the ideas that gays have “always known” to rebuild the bridge I burned with my past self. When it comes down to it, I am different from my younger self in several ways, not just my sexuality; I have different taste in fashion, music, etc., and I finally grew out of my side bangs phase. It’s time to forgive myself for my previous relationships just like I need to forgive myself for wearing low rise jeans and 2 tank tops under a Hollister tee shirt. It was me then, but it’s not me now. The person that I am now would literally never wear low rise jeans.
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3rd Story
She couldn’t help but stare in awe at the most beautiful girl she’d ever met, inside and out. She couldn’t help but fall faster, faster, faster. She couldn’t help but wonder about the taste of her lips, the smell of her perfume as she held her in her arms. She couldn’t help but disobey everything she’d ever known.

She couldn’t help but sneak around to just get a glimpse of this girl. She couldn’t help all the extra bathroom trips, the warnings. She couldn’t help it when she kissed her over the bathroom sink.

She couldn’t stop thinking about the way her lips tasted. She couldn’t help wanting more.

She couldn’t help falling asleep on the girl’s chest. She couldn’t help but find every excuse as they walked the streets to hold her hand. She couldn’t help singing to her at the dance. She couldn’t help but fall in love with the same sex. She couldn’t help holding her hair back as she threw up. She couldn’t help tucking her into bed before crawling in next to her.

She couldn’t help but wish for the impossible. She couldn’t help but wish her beloved was just as in love as she was.

She couldn’t help but wish to wake up tangled up in each other’s arms. She couldn’t help that she was no longer the perfect daughter. She couldn’t help the disappointment in her parents faces as she let them down even more.

She couldn’t help liking girls.

The night I realized I was bisexual was one of the scariest of my life.

I was at my friend’s house, and she has another girl over that I had never met. Upon meeting her, I noticed she was pretty cute. I started to find myself attracted to a girl. Not a boy… a girl. It started slow, and the more I tried to ignore it, the louder the thought got. It started out as a little thought and then it became a little stronger until it was a feeling and then it was full-blown panic and attraction. I felt my heartbeat quicken and I felt like the room got darker.

Once I acknowledged what was happening, I started freaking the fuck out. So I texted my friend who is gay. I told him that he needed to pick me up and that I was having an anxiety attack. He was really confused but was always a very good friend so he said he was on his way and would be there in 30 minutes.

Now I had to find an excuse to leave. I was supposed to sleep over. I became extremely introverted and they commented on it. I just told them I had too much caffeine and my heart hurt. I was gonna go home and sleep it off. I didn’t drive so I told them I called an Uber. After a few minutes, I couldn’t stand it and told them my uber was here. I waited on a curb outside. It was freezing cold but anywhere was better than in there.

My friend pulled up, and I jumped in his car, then we parked down the street. He was super stressed and wanted to know what was wrong. Immediately, I burst out into tears. I confessed that I was lesbian and I was fucking terrified. He pointed out that I liked his other friend, who is a boy, and have been attracted to guys in the past, so I would most likely be bisexual.

This shook me to my core.

I confessed that I honestly always knew I liked girls but I was in denial. Growing up liking girls and not knowing it is difficult because you end up becoming weirdly fixated on them and still a bit competitive. That moment then was one of the worst feelings of my life.

I knew my life was going to be harder because of my sexuality. I knew that people would think of me differently.

I thought of having to tell my family, and the humiliation I would feel. My family had even accused me of being lesbian before and I had always denied it. Knowing they were partially right was super embarrassing. I felt transparent. I felt naked. I felt impure and less than. I knew I’d have to come out eventually too. I couldn’t live my life in secret.

I expressed all my fears and feelings to my friend and he helped me so much that night. More than anyone else could have ever done. He told me his coming out story and how scared he was. He told me what it’s like to be judged for something he can’t change and what it’s like for him when people see him holding his boyfriend’s hand on the street.

But he told me how good it felt when he told his friends and they accepted him. The relief he felt when they knew that part of him that was so fragile and personal.

I was comforted that night, but the weeks to come were torture. I felt like this secret was a bubble in my chest that grew larger in my chest every time I thought of it. This feeling wasn’t one that would go away with time. This feeling was taking over me. I remember crying as I told my best guy friend and sobbing into another friend’s arms as she pets my shoulders.

I remember being so sad and ashamed of something I couldn’t change.

That was three years ago.

Now things are different. Now I am a little more comfortable with myself. I live in a Cairo, where homosexuality is extremely taboo and can be punishable by law. I have to be careful about who I talk to about it and can’t even set foot in a gay club. I force myself to look away from pretty girls with nice smiles. But when I am in the States or Europe, where it is much more accepted, I feel at ease.

I never knew that bisexuality was an option. Things always seemed so black and white.

You’re lesbian or straight. But that night, in the car with my friend, despite the fear and shame I felt, a part of me was liberated. I will never again shut that part of myself away and will do everything I can to live a true life with whomever I choose to love.

I am honest with myself and have nothing more to hide. I feel free.

No one has the right to judge you for any choice you make or for anything that is a decision made by you.
Happy Pride!

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